Life Above The Undergrowth

A friend recently directed me to these very amusing video clips (in particular those from 'Programme 1: Invasion Of The Land'). They're taken from the new David Attenborough series 'Life In The Undergrowth' and show how weird and interesting the courtship ritual can be for various bugs.

Tonight I have invited a young woman round for dinner, and have spent so long preparing for this, that I haven't even started any work yet today. 4.30 p.m. (when I've finished writing this) has to be my record so far. And it's Friday, so does that mean i get to leave work (and walk back to the non 'office' designated area in my bedroom) at 4.30 p.m.?

Anyway, it occured to me that the bugs featured in that programme would be quite justified in having the last laugh were they to obtain footage of what I've been doing today. David, if you're reading this, that video wasn't yours to take.

Here are some excerpts of what the commentary would allegedly include, had David Attenborough turned up at my front door this morning telling me he was here by order of the landlord to fit webcams in each of the rooms in my flat:

"Purpulos Smokius begins his courtship ritual first thing in the morning by using a vacuum cleaner to remove any detritus from the floor of his dwelling. This includes a vast number of staples which his dwelling-mate seems to shed on the carpet on a daily basis."

"Later on, P. Smokius is found scuttling from his cave to another cave around the corner from his, where goods are avaiable to buy. He purchases a number of items required later on that day, including the most expensive bottle of wine he's every bought in a non-restaurant situation. If you listen closely, you can hear him mutter: '£8.99? I'd expect it to be 40% for that price' before scuttling back to his cave."

"After using items from the shopping cave to prepare a feast for that night, P. Smokius cunningly realises that he has forgotten many items still required for the ritual, and scuttles back to the cave around the corner. Here he buys floor-cleaner, milk and ice cream. The latter two items we will go into in more detail in Episode 2, but they are the result of yet another bizzare human ritual which involves squeezing the nipples of a lesser organism and drinking/freezing the resulting product."

"Back at his cave, P. Smokius then scuttles around his cave some more, wrestling with a Vileda Supermop, to have his cave clean before the female arrives. After filling the mop-bucket with dirty water, he then proceeds to empty this all over the area surrounding his sink, meaning he has to do all his washing up again. He then wastes some time, when instead he should be working, writing about what would happen if David Attenborough had turned up at his front door earlier that morning and told him that he was there by order of the landlord to fit webcams in each of the rooms in his flat."

By the way, if any lay-deez are reading this, can you please reassure me that you lot get very turned on by the smell of Dettol, as that's what I've discovered I cleaned the floor with, and it stinks.