Let me take you to, Lazy Town

I'm knackered. Not because I woke up early at 8.30 this morning, but because I'm recovering from a vicious workout. A workout on the eyes and brain that will last until the day I die. And even then, I'm not convinced my rotting corpse won't still be twitching from it.

I'm talking about a programme called Lazy Town (8.30-9 a.m. Mon-Fri BBC 2), which answers the question 'What exactly would happen if Hollyoaks' Tony Hutchinson fell in a vat of that magic potion from Asterix and dressed like Biggles from the future?'

Well, the answer is a man named Sporticus (image shown above), who makes a class full of 6 year olds high on Sunny Delight and Wham bars on the last day of school before christmas look like, well, me on an average day.

This man seems to be capable of super-human powers, and although I want to believe that computer graphics have been used, I have a terrible feeling that he actually is super-human.

The programme basically seems to be funded by someone, somewhere (Iceland possibly?) intent on showing us mere mortals that Homo Sapiens are no longer the top of the food chain. A new breed of human has evolved, and we're being warned by a programme disguised to look like it's there to help children get fit.

In this morning's episode a child sent a letter to Sporticus asking for tips on doing push-ups. Rather than offering tips on what to do to ensure you don't get a bad back, Super-Tony proceeded to do every kind of push-up variant you could possibly imagine, and then some. 'Push-up followed by a clap behind my back', 'Push-up where I kind of collapse my arm to the elbow and then go back up again', and most impressively 'Push up on one hand and one foot' are all in the Sportacus repertoire.

By the way, everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) Sportacus does is highlighted by either a cartoony 'Woosh!' noise, or (for fans of 80s synthesizers) the 'Orchestra Hit' sound, much loved by the Pet Shop Boys (if you care, it sounds like a whole orchestra playing a fast, punchy note simultaneously, as imagined by a geek at Yamaha HQ. who has never actually heard an orchestra). Anyway, it's bloody annoying and answers another question, 'Why does this man live on his own?'.

Anyway, I digress. Sporticus finally decides, after managing to do a few simple tasks in a totally over the top way that would leave even Mr Motivator wheezing like, well me after walking to the corner shop, to drink a bottle of water.

But no - he can't just open the fridge, remove said bottle, turn cap and drink. No, as with everything he does, he has to do it in a way that makes us feel bad. His house (which i neglected to mention is an airship hovering over the Earth) has various holes that just appear in the walls to hand him certain things (who's lazy now eh?) so the water appears from one of these holes. He then does about 3 triple-backflips, some star jumps (that include doing the spilts) and spins around in the air just to grab the water. Then he sings a song about how important water is after exercising. It all looks a bit like a cross between some of the aerial shots from Cliffhanger and a Pepsi Max advert, but he's just drinking some water for crying out loud.

Someone should slip some kryptonite in that man's 'H2O'