Purple Smoke Goes Blue

After a bit of a break, I'm back. And I'm back to the future. That's right, Purple Smoke has gone all hi-tech and down with the kids, so I can now write it wherever I am on my new mobile (which is so heavy that it causes pairs of tracksuit trousers to fall straight down when placed in the pocket), as well as having installed a wireless network in Purple Smoke H.Q., allowing me to write it on the bog or in bed.

The latter option, as well as the fact that I've had complaints that this blog is nowhere near raunchy/intimate enough has given me a great idea. I'm going to celebrate this comeback by having the first ever blog/sex session. That's right, I am a pioneer.

For your entertainment only, I've gone especially out of my way to pull a woman and bring her back to mine this evening. She's just 'freshening up' in the bathroom. Here she comes...

Random Woman: Hi there, I'm back from 'freshening up', tee hee!

Purple Smoke: Ah good.

RW: So, what you doing on your laptop?

PS: Err, just trying out some pioneering (Wink Wink readers) new software.

RW: Jolly good. So why don't you come over here then, big-boy?* Help me get out of these tight, yet figure-hugging clothes?

PS: OK then (i slip my new mobile into her pocket)

RW: Oooh...there go my tracksuit trousers. So why do you keep having to type on your computer every time I do something?

PS: Ah...just installing some new Microsoft patches. Wouldn't want to catch any viruses, would we? Talking of that (dimming the lights), can you pass me that big bag of condoms over there?

(I knew that plastic bag full of balloon animals would come in handy one day)

RW: You're sure these are OK?

PS: Yes, yes. I'll have the one shaped like a dog.

RW: This one?

PS: No, that's a giraffe, but come to think of it, maybe that's more apt.

RW: Let's get into your bed. Ooh..it's nice and warm. I love a man with a heated mattress.

PS: (best not tell her that this is due to the laptop's over-heated power supply) Yes, I'm pretty slick with the ladies.

RW: tee hee!

Did i just see you write 'tee hee' on that thing?

PS: No.

RW: And why is it in your bed?

PS: I may need to restart it once the updates have downloaded. And the new firewall I've put on there requires constant attention.

RW: You're making me wet.

PS: OK. Do you mind if I put my giraffe in you?

RW: Not at all - be my guest.

(Cue the sound of rubbery noises)

PS: Ohhh!

RW: Ahhh

PS: Ohhh!

RW: Ahhh

PS: Ohhh!

RW: Ahhh

PS: (dimming the lights a bit more)

(You've held the 'SHIFT' key down for more than 6 seconds. Click 'OK' to activate the Windows text to speech software.)

(Now input the text you would like read aloud and select a voice.)

(You've selected 'Phil')

PS: OHHH

RW: Ahhh

PS: OHHH

RW: AhhhHhhhaaaa?

PS: What's wrong?

RW: You sound different. Why's your voice changed?

PS: That's just Phil.

RW: Who's he?

PS: Never mind.

RW: You're weird. I'm off.

PS: OK. Thanks for popping round.

And there we have it - internet history has just been made. Give yourselves a big pat on the back for witnessing it.

PS: Ahhh...laptop, I have you all to myself now.

(Select new voice. 'Betty' selected)

Right, you can clear off now.



* Some text has been made up**.

** Oh alright, all of it was.